It is too hot to do anything except complain about the heat

Our regular columnist Molly Quell had no inspiration for commentary on Dutch culture this month so she’s chosen to do what everyone else has done: whinge about the heat.

I made a mistake.

I’ve been busy this month and I kept putting off writing this column. Now it’s the hottest day of the year and, despite the oven-like temperatures outside, the hottest thing I am feeling is the editor breathing down my neck to turn it in.

Unfortunately, the heat has zapped my energy to be funny, quippy or otherwise engaging. Since the temperature in my office is currently 32°, the only thing I can do is complain about the heat.

I’ve been employing my usual tricks to stay cool. Swimming. Swimming naked. Jumping in any canal I can find. Consuming food only in Popsicle format.

The heatwave is extremely bad. Temperature records have been broken. Schools are closed. You don’t need my commentary on climate change. It’s bad and it is getting worse.

It’s not just the heat that makes you miserable. It’s all of the knock on effects. My household is producing dirty laundry at an alarming rate. I’m so sweaty that even if I just try on an outfit, it needs to be washed. I looked at a top in my closet and somehow it developed damped patches. Straight into the washing machine.

The upside, of course, is that everything dries quickly. I dug out a stack of wool sweaters that had been sitting in the bottom of the laundry basket since the winter and washed them. I suggested we also use this opportunity to wash the curtains, which my husband pointed out are the only things keeping us from roasting to death.

Cooking has also become unbearable. It’s 34° in my house and you want me to generate more heat by turning on the stove? Absolutely not. A week into this heat wave and I’ve already run out of salad options. There’s only so many things you can do with raw vegetables.

And do not even suggest gazpacho. If you want to eat cold pizza sauce with a spoon, by all means, but my taste buds continue to work despite the heat.

I have been appreciating the creative entrepreneurship the heat brings out in the Netherlands. A local church is advertising how the building’s thick walls are keeping it cool inside — and selling entry tickets for €1. Free coffee, tea and water included.

A number of Albert Heijns will let you sit around in their aircon for free, even offering up plates of cookies. Once you’re inside, presumably the temptation to buy several boxes of ice lollies is great enough to make this a financially advantageous offer.

Walking home from the train station this week, a group of boys with water guns offered to hose me down for the low price of €2.

I’ve been abusing my position as a journalist by attending events in buildings with airco. A presentation at the Lithuanian embassy ran over by an hour this week, but I was unbothered because the airco was on so high I was shivering. If you’ve got airco and you’re hosting an event, I will come cover it. Send me an email.

The best air conditioning I have found so far has been on NS trains. Just give the employees whatever they want and turn the tracks into mobile chill locations. There’s even wifi!

In fact, I’ve been working on this column while working remotely from Groningen, Zwolle, Arnhem, Venlo, Maastricht, Eindhoven, Breda, Rotterdam, The Hague, Amsterdam and Den Helder.

I am just getting my €49 euros worth out of the new unlimited monthly rail pass. Like any good Dutch person.