Youp van ‘t Hek thinks it must have been a jolly evening in the bar when the PVV thought of the idea to report troublesome central and eastern Europeans on a special website.
The PVV shop-a-Pole website: what I wouldn’t have given to be present at the PVV meeting where they thought it all up. I hope it was held in a bar, with Hero Brinkman as replacement bar tender, the official bar tender having cried off mindful of the fate of a fellow bartender who once refused to serve ham fisted Hero.
One of the PVV members, let’s call him Eric, tells of the Polish neighbour of a friend of a friend of an acquaintance. An animal, a convicted sex offender! A man who intimidates his neighbours, threatens to throw acid in their faces and pisses through letter boxes. And he trashed his former brother in law’s car. And trod on his hearing aid. He should bugger off out of here, Eric concludes succinctly.
Fellow party member Marcial has heard a story about a Pole who rounded off his visit to a bar with a well aimed headbutt. Straight into someone’s face. Dion knows another one: there was this pregnant Polish woman and her husband beat her to a pulp. She walked around with a scarf around her head for three weeks. And he also made threats to his father in law and his mistress. The public prosecution messed things up as usual and the cases were thrown out. That’s another thing: we should do a website on the public prosecution office. It’s worse than the NS and ProRail put together. And the animals, don’t forget the animals. They are being beaten as well, including pregnant ones. We need more websites.
Hero meanwhile has the story of a Pole who was drink driving and who cut his lights and drove off when the police tried to stop him. That Pole was later found at home and taken to the police station on suspicion of driving under the influence. He spent a few hours there. Eventually he came to an accord with the public prosecutor. He paid 200 euros and so avoided having to appear before a judge. Neither did he end up with a criminal record. According to Hero, the Pole knew someone in the police force.
The same Pole was once reported to the police by a builder who claimed he was assaulted by him during a row.
The doors of the bar swing open and Cor enters. Cor has been kicked out of the party but he is still treated as an old friend. Poles? Don’t get me started, he says. Did you know a Pole once called me a sicked up piece of halal meat from a Limburg pig? Of course we do, say the other guests, but wasn’t that a long time ago? Yes, says Cor but the Pole wasn’t caught saying it straight away. It was hushed up until the press got hold of the story and only then the Pole was fired.
Here’s Petra. Remember the story of the Pole with two passports who had forgotten she had two?, she says. Hero jokes he also sees things double every once in a while, he’s such a card. Now it’s James’s turn. What about that Pole who swindled people in Hungary with sms services? Or Pole Machiel’s shady doings in addiction care and Pole Richard who lied about having been a school principal? They could go on like this until the early hours.
Then Hero starts banging the counter and shouts: ‘Website, website, website! The whole bar joins in. They haven’t had such a jolly evening in years.
Youp van ‘t Hek is one of the Netherlands’ best loved comedians and writers
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