The Americans are coming and amongst the hoard are a dangerous subset known as influencers. Can we survive the onslaught, asks our regular columnist Molly Quell?

My social media feeds are filled with them. Freshly arrived Americans. They are fleeing the United States (Who can blame them?) and are trying to make a better life here in the Netherlands (again, totally understandable.)

But far too many of them are documenting their new lives for public consumption, posting about what they find novel or interesting or surprising about their new homelands.

They film along cute canals in the cycle-filled city centres of Amsterdam and The Hague. Their kids cycle to school! The houses are small! Dutch is hard to learn!

The sameness of the content makes me wonder if it is all being produced, not by real transplants, but by indentured servants in AI farms getting paid per prompt to ask ChatGPT “What are stereotypes about the Netherlands?”

Am I an immigrant who is now pulling up the drawbridge behind me? I would argue I have merely integrated and think, like some of the country’s prominent politicians, that these new immigrants are a distinct and lesser category.

At least the ones with TikTok accounts.

These influencers extrapolate their six months in the Netherlands to a “European” experience. “This is how healthcare is in Europe” or “This is how public transit is in Europe.” Cross the border into Belgium or Germany and you’ll quickly learn how different things can be.

I’ve seen marvel and wonder in reaction to extremely basic things you can find all over America. “My grocery store in the Netherlands has all these pre-cut veggies, such a time saver!” one lady says, as if America is a land devoid of prepared food.

“There’s a playground nearby,” says another, as though the Dutch invented the slide, slapped an export ban on it and refused to share their technology with the rest of the world.

As someone who has lived here for longer than five minutes, it is also exhausting to hear the same jokes over and over. Dutch doctors only send you home with paracetamol and tea! The Dutch are direct! You can’t get coffee in a coffeeshop!

Honestly if I hear one more joke about the Dutch sending Tikkies I will hit someone with a clog.

I want to be sympathetic. It’s hard to move. Your homeland is disintegrating. You want to find some connection. These things are new and different for you.

But just when I had convinced myself to be nicer, I saw a post describing the Frisian town of Lemmer as “the Dubai of the Netherlands” and now I’m supporting the PVV (but only for American immigrants, everyone else can stay.)

The picture these people paint of the Netherlands – white, wealthy children cheerfully cycling along inner city canals with grachtenpanden in the background – that is but a tiny sliver of the Dutch experience.

If you are going to insist on documenting your new life, go visit a vinexwijk in Gelderland. Or better yet, take your tripod to Urk and see how well that goes over.

I suspect the editor of this esteemed publication may not be pleased that I’ve written an entire column lambasting some of the very people Dutch News relies on for donations. To that I say, I am just helping them integrate.

This is a country of people who live on top of one another and have carved out a homeland from the ocean by ingenuity, grit and community. The Dutch make for great neighbours and great friends. But they will absolutely tell you to your face if you’re being a dolt.

I am simply doing normaal.