Youp van ‘t hek: Sigh

Youp van ‘t Hek thinks the queen and Henk Bleker have something in common. They have both done a lot of sighing lately albeit not for the same reasons.

Do as we do! is the PVV’s rallying cry to new comers from foreign shores. So what did Beatrix do when she was invited to visit a place of worship in a land far away? She put a scarf around her lacquered coiffure. Wrong move. When I saw the first pictures of a swaddled monarch I knew Geert would be twittering away, frothing at the mouth. Frothing at the mouth? What I am I saying. He was smiling. Wily Wilders knew perfectly well that those silly hacks would zoom in on his every tweet. And so they did. He could lean back after a job well done: it was about him again. Because that is what he wants. That everything is about him.
Meanwhile the queen had been sighing at the assembled press about how sick and tired she was of the whole thing which instantly created a situation. Is the queen allowed to sigh in public? Does the sighing fall under Mark Rutte’s ministerial responsibility? Shouldn’t Mark do the queen’s sighing for her? Is she allowed to laugh at a spoof video in which she is shown naked among a lot of Papuans? Or should Mark do it? He would rather laugh than sigh. He always laughs.
An oeuf is an oeuf
In 2009 Wilders appeared in a New York synagogue, sporting a yarmulke. Jews usually place it towards the back of the head but Wilders wore his plonked squarely on his awe inspiring hairdo, party hat style. I caught him on YouTube finishing his speech (no doubt about Islam), going un oeuf is un oeuf. I thought: that’ll do now, Geert, shut up if you know what’s good for you. Not another word about headgear and visits to far flung countries.
It also occurred to me that if Geert wins the next elections he will have to accompany the queen on state visits. What a comedy duo they’d make. If I were Trix I would wear a burqa to Denmark just to spite him and then, during the official dinner, I would whisper in his ear: ‘I’m not wearing anything underneath! Not a royal stitch!’
It’s a pity Bleker will never be prime minister. He would have been given full marks in the respect department in any Islamic country. Having it off with a young slip of a thing at his age..respect! I read that his love life is not going down well with voters. It may cost his party their last remaining seats. Don’t let it get to you, Henk. The party is kaput anyway. Maxime saw to that. The girl before the job, remember. A 32 year age gap. You’re the man! I’m jealous. And not just me. Every boy my age is jealous. And as to that tiny party you belong to: take your girl to a boulevard on the Côte d’Azur and parade her up and down on it. That’ll show those frustrated old zealots with their stale jokes about cradle snatching and ponies with side wheels. Be proud of your catch. Talk about it with Jack de Vries: he’ll understand. And that priest. Age gaps never bothered him.
It would be a good way of getting rid of the CDA altogether, with their family-as-the-cornerstone-of-society guff. And a great exit from politics. Imagine never again having to talk to a party whose honourable provincial councillor for Limburg calls his fellow man a sicked up piece of halal meat from a Turkish pig, something his colleagues managed to keep a secret for a whole year before kicking him out once the cat was out of the bag.
You should count yourself lucky, Henk. Flee while you can, and take your young thing with you. Whereto? I hear Angola’s nice this time of year.
Youp van ‘t Hek is one of the Netherlands’ best loved comedians and writers

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