Youp van ‘t Hek thinks happy endings are not on the cards for Rutte, Samsom and Moszkowicz 

I live in the red light district surrounded by dodgy Chinese massage parlours. Ever since I read the service includes ‘happy endings’ my back has been playing up no end. Does my insurance pay for this? With the new premiums it should. From 2014 we will be served champagne and caviar at the doctor’s surgery. If we ever get there, that is.

People used to see their doctors with healthy, football-related injuries like a black eye but nobody has money to play sport anymore. All the money has already been spent. On the premium. So the familiar sound of a fibula snapping in two on a Swiss mountain side will become a thing of the past. Too expensive.

Loved up

What an almighty calculation cock-up from loved-up duo Rutte and Samsom. We call Diederik Sam sam (going Dutch, DN) at our house. How proud they were of their flimsy, rush job of a government accord. How delighted to be on tv talk show Pauw & Witteman. But I fear they will have to go back and take a second look.

Funny how the VVD’s sums turned out so badly for the VVD. It’s not really their style. I think they should have let Ton Hooijmaijers, Jos van Rey, Henry Meijdam, Wilma Verver and Ricardo Offermans do the negotiating. They’d soon make sure everybody would have to pay a healthcare premium except VVD voters.

The funniest thing of all is that Robin Linschoten, former right hand of failed banker Dirk Scheringa, has joined the discussion and is clamouring for justice. If I were Robin I would keep very quiet for the next twenty years and not join any discussion on anything, including his kids’ pocket money.

If ‘Marx Rutte’, as his favourite newspaper calls him, is not to turn into another Tofik Dibi he will have to announce, in very big letters, in the same newspaper, that it was all because he was bewitched, bothered and bewildered and it was all a big mistake. Then there might be a happy ending for the VVD after all.

Ex-lawyer

On Pauw & Witteman, the visibly excited Rutte and Samsom were warming a seat for ex-lawyer Bram Moszkowicz who had been invited to plead his innocence. It was an endearing, nerve-ridden performance. It was pointed out that some of the complainants had been validated, whereupon Moszkowicz said they had only come out of the woodwork when others had begun whining.

It wasn’t a very impressive argument. The complaints against BBC perv Jimmy Saville also started snowballing when the first victims had come forward but that doesn’t mean he didn’t molest a lot of kids. If I ever need a lawyer I hope he comes up with something better.

Bram’s words of praise for his brother and partner were sweet as well. Still smarting from his recent run-in with the tax office, he called him ‘a brilliant fiscal lawyer’ twice. He should have used him.

I don’t think it will be a happy ending for Bram. I fear he will go spectacularly bust. Not too long ago I saw an interview with him and his ex Eva Jinek in one of those sad glossies. They looked happy and in love, even happier and more in love than Mark and Diederik.

The accompanying photos were taken in luxury locations and the captions specified what they were wearing. Bram was wearing a shirt by H&M, a pair of trousers by C&A, sunglasses by Blokker and shoes by the Schoenenreus. How depressing. And now that premium as well.

I have had more than enough of Moszkowicz, and the VVD. I don’t want to see or hear about them again. I want news that will cheer me up. Like a new baby elephant at the zoo. That’s a happy ending for you.

Youp van ‘t Hek is one of the Netherlands’ best loved comedians and writers